Therapy for Perfectionism
Well of Wisdom Therapy specializes in helping women and working professionals navigate the effects of perfectionism through online therapy for clients throughout Massachusetts.
Perfectionism can ruin the whole journey. I’m sure there is a part of you that wants to enjoy the journey of life, and yet perfectionism is so focused on the result that it takes all the joy out of it, almost making you want to not keep trying at all. Perfectionism is good at convincing you that life is meant to be this way - always wrought with self-doubt. With curiosity, that can be changed to self-compassion most of the time. You can have the achievements and the joy of the journey and love for yourself. Therapy can help.
Have you ever wondered to yourself, “I think something’s wrong with me.” Maybe these experiences sound familiar:
A fear of failure that can lead to mounting stress
You have unrealistic standards that are sometimes unreasonable
All or nothing thinking, meaning you might work towards an aim and if you fall even a bit short you feel like a complete failure
You are highly critical of yourself and sometimes attribute your self worth to what you can accomplish and achieve
Can become defensive when your work or efforts are criticized, because you have already beaten yourself up about this before they pointed it out
Low mood due to disappointment if you do not get the results you want or thinking that you are a failure in life because of it and your high expectations of yourself
In today’s world, in your family growing up, or just in your own internal landscape, you may be getting the message to constantly perform and do well, or rise to some kind of standard. Maybe you’ve gotten used to meeting all these challenges and have even become very accomplished if you do say so yourself. You might accomplish something and feel good for a second. But that doesn’t last very long.
Soon enough you’re off again, chasing the next accomplishment or validation from others so that you can feel good about yourself. But in between accomplishments and successes is a feeling of dissatisfaction that never really goes away. It nags as you. Always in the back of your mind. Or maybe you’re so worried about not being perfect that you procrastinate getting started. Either way, you feel terrible about yourself.
At its mildest, perfectionism leaves you feeling always slightly dissatisfied with your efforts. At its worst - you might not be able to stand yourself. And what’s worse is that you feel like there’s no where to escape to because no matter where you go there you are. As long as perfectionism is running the show, its right hand man is also there - self-loathing.
On the outside, people see someone who is really put together.
Someone who gets everything done no matter what. Someone who works overtime. They see a high achiever. Someone who is ambitious and dedicated. Someone who is creative and good at getting the results they need. Someone who can pull something off even when they’ve procrastinated. Someone who doesn’t give up easily. Some people might even be envious of you and all that you’ve accomplished, wishing that they can have an ounce of the energy and determination that you have. But below the surface of success, there is a lot of the opposite of all of this.
On the inside, though, no matter how much you achieve, you feel like a failure.
You’re so afraid of failure all the time, and this is what pushes you to try and get it right. You feel like it will be one wrong move after the other and your life will slip away from you. Other people don’t see how easily disappointed you are when you don’t get the exact results that you wanted. They don’t see how this fear of failure makes you freeze and just give up, makes you procrastinate.
You zone out, knowing in the back of your mind you have to get back to the task at hand. And the terrible rush of anxiety when you feel the pressure to get whatever it is actually done. They don’t see how you can get stuck in extreme thinking of all or nothing, good or absolutely terrible. They don’t see the tape of self-hate that runs through your mind. The one that tells you that someday people are going to find out that you’re a fraud, that you’re a nobody. That even if you succeed now, you’ll be found out. They don’t see that even if people around you at work, friends, and others tell you that you did a great job, you don’t really believe it.
This is when perfectionism can lead to your life feeling like it’s not your own.
The gap widens between what people see and know of you and what your inner experience of turmoil and self-doubt is like. You might feel alienated from people since you might not want them to know how you really feel, as that might be looked at as weak or crazy, since you seemingly accomplish so much, and they might tell you there is nothing you should be worried about, leaving you feeling more alone. This can be a very invalidating experience. So you keep it up, you keep up the chase, you keep performing. And the cycle continues.
Perfectionism can be so insidious, such a big part of everything you do in life and the way that you see yourself, that it really requires holistic treatment. That’s where I come in.
I might start with getting to know this perfectionism and what its fears are. Then we might continue to create a relationship of trust between you and your perfectionist part, so that it doesn’t completely run your life – so that it gives you a break, some space. So that you can be You without it working so hard all the time. We’ll also deal with the fallout of who you are without it running the show all the time as well. We can go over coping skills and changes in mindset you can use so that you can finally feel good enough, no matter what perfectionism is saying, and no matter how much is on your plate or how high your dreams are.